a father’s love

There’s something intriguingly eye opening when you find yourself in the midst of a chaotic life where nothing makes sense anymore and you feel like everything you ever planned or worked for is falling apart.  My father’s birthday just came and went about a week ago, and I’m forced to remember that even if I bake this cake for him, he won’t be there to blow out the candles.  In a couple of months, I’ll face the day of his passing.  For those that know me well, know that he was the world to me, and while there was always room for more love for everyone in my heart, he took up the expanse of my heart.

Since the day that I lost him, it seemed like everything…EVERYTHING was going wrong, everything was falling apart, my work, my relationship, my faith, my sanity.  Just everything.  Even with friends who knew the depth of our relationship that I’m truly grateful towards for their time and thoughts at the time of his departure, it felt so impossible for the world to be right again.  Then one day, when things looked so bleak, and I had no hope left, I found myself on my knees, praying for guidance to find joy and peace in life once again, the kind I knew when I held my father’s hand, when we walked together through the woods, when we found secret treasures on that path, when we replanted the Christmas trees, when we just sat, having coffee, on the riverbank.

I remembered the walks so well.  A walk.  I took a walk.  And I found him.  I found my father’s company in the nature outside my home.  On the trail by the lake, into the forest, on the deck by the river.  I closed my eyes and saw his loving gaze, as he had looked at me so often.  I’m still finding my way; I’m still so uncertain about my connection with him that seems completely severed, grasping at whatever tendrils of thread that will bring him back to me or me to him, but I’m finding peace in a very simple activity and everything around me seems to be righting itself as I grow in peace and contentment.  A walk.  Who would have guessed that taking a quiet little walk in the afternoon would make such a huge difference?

So, I guess my message, here, is to seek your joy and contentment in the simple things on this earth, because you will find an abundance waiting for you there.

2 thoughts on “a father’s love”

  1. Pingback: Good Days - Ivory Fawn

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